Are we supposed to keep people in our lives when they feel toxic to us?
Do you have people in your life who leave you feeling worse about yourself? They may be toxic for you. That doesn't necessarily make them toxic people. It means they may not be good for you. We're each unique, and we don't click with everyone, nor does everyone click with us. You don't have to keep spending time with people, friends or family, who make you feel worse about yourself. It's appropriate to set boundaries around how much and what kind of contact you have with them.
Questions to ask yourself
- How invested am I in this person? What do they mean to my life?
- Am I staying in this relationship because I hope they'll treat me better later?
- What would my life look like without this person in it?
- Can I keep any contact with them, or do I need to stop? If so, how do I want to do that?
We're often driven by the people-pleasing part of ourselves, which looks for ways to make someone like us or treat us better. When people are unkind or passive-aggressive, it comes from their own experiences. It's theirs to address, not ours. If you notice many people like this in your life, it does not mean you are the problem. It means something is drawing you to them. That's something you can explore and change. Other people, you can't.
Some options
- Stop spending one-on-one time with them.
- Tell them how you feel after spending time together, using "I" statements, and see whether you can stay in contact without sacrificing yourself.
- Block them on social media.
- Block their phone number and email if needed.
- Don't talk about them to others. Take the high road: set your boundaries and keep them.
- Plan ahead for events where you'll both be, and give yourself ways out of uncomfortable situations.
- Most importantly, for your own sake, don't make them the villain. Simply acknowledge it wasn't a good relationship for you.
Remember that they're still human and still part of the world, so you may run into them or hear about them. Decide ahead of time who you want to be in those moments, and stick with it. Your feelings about this person are valid, and you should let yourself feel them. You are responsible for what you do with them, so give yourself time before acting.